Bikes are everywhere in Amsterdam. Some people own three of them: a trusted staple, one locked to a rack at the train station closest to their work and an alternate in case one breaks or gets stolen. They’ve likely invested the most money in their primary commuter bike but they still need a reliable bike at the train station and the alternate – perhaps the most important bike – needs to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Bicycles fill the streets, line the canals and litter alleyways in Amsterdam where cyclists control the flow of the traffic in a city where getting around on two wheels reigns supreme.
I haven’t talked to many people in my first two days in the Netherlands. It’s my fourth country in the first 10 days of the trip and I’m feeling more introspective. I enjoy spending time with my own thoughts — mostly for self-improvement — but I try not to stay there too long at once. This time, I perhaps overstayed my welcome.
After dodging bikes from all directions, I escaped Amsterdam by bus and arrived in Edam to explore some smaller towns in North Holland along Markermeer Lake. Every local who got off the public bus gave a “thank you” wave to the driver. I thought it was quite nice — so naturally I documented with a picture. (Notice the woman in the black shirt with her hand in the air!) We need more of this!
The quiet boat-lined canals, colorful homes, old-style windmills, farmland, slender beaches and a winding walking path along the water made for the most peaceful and picturesque walk.
When you’re walking, getting from point A to point B is all on you. It’s a solo experience. Spending time by yourself can be vitally important; however, humans are social creatures and we rely on each other to survive and thrive.
If you’ll indulge me, I want to compare Amsterdam’s three-bike lifestyle to the three buckets of people in our lives: the trusted staple represents the people we prioritize and spend a lot of time with in a particular season for whatever reason, the bike parked at the train station represents the people who bring us happiness that we surround ourselves with occasionally but they are not necessarily essential to getting through the day, and the alternate bike represents the people who you likely don’t prioritize enough but know would support you at a moment’s notice.
Follow me.
The trusted staple bike might be a husband or girlfriend, a friend you text almost everyday or a coworker you rely on to succeed everyday. You need them now. They need you now. In each case, you hopefully do a great job of communicating, supporting and filling each other’s cups and you let each other know when you fail. Think about those people you are giving the most time and attention. Sometimes – often times – these seemingly strong relationships come and go or fall apart altogether depending on how our lives unfold.
The bike at the train station might be the friend you see once a month, a classmate or a fellow member of a club. I call these people “ancillary characters.” They are important in your life but the relationship never reaches maturity. It’s nice having a bike at the train station but you can certainly walk the last leg to work some days if you prefer. It sounds bad, but we have to remember relationships take time and our time is not infinite. These are people you genuinely enjoy but don’t typically include in your daily or even weekly life.
The alternate bike represents those key people in your life who you do not prioritize enough who would likely take a bullet for you – or at least donate their kidney to you without thinking twice. Take a moment and think about some people you’ve left abandoned. Again, it sounds harsh but there are only so many hours in the day. It’s possible you are so strongly secure in these time-tested relationships that you don’t necessarily need to have a regular presence in each other’s lives. It’s also possible that your ‘alternates’ consider you an alternate in their lives. Some of our closest and most trusted family members, friends and other loved ones will inevitably fall into this bucket at some point. Life happens.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about the really important people in my life who somehow — over time and unintentionally — fell into the alternate bucket. It’s crazy how we can list people who would give us their organ yet we dedicate so little time to nurturing those relationships.
No bucket is bad and there is no doubt a blurring of the lines. Maybe you consider someone a trusted staple but treat them like an alternate. Think about the people you reach out to only when you need something or when there is a problem or you need advice.
We all put people into buckets and we all fall into other people’s buckets. The trouble typically happens when someone is disappointed in the bucket you’ve intentionally or unintentionally placed them into. (I won’t dive into relationship advice, but one word: communication)
As I ungracefully assembled a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while sitting on a park bench, I thought about the alternate bike. Well, first I licked the oily peanut butter and sticky grape jelly off my fingers and washed my hands with a baby wipe from my bag. Then, I thought about the alternate bike knocked over in the back of the garage and temporarily abandoned while the shiny trusted staple stood upright with its kickstand deployed just inside the garage door.
We grab the trusted staple bike everyday because we know it’s in great condition: the seat is positioned at the perfect level, the brakes work and it rides smoothly. We naturally gravitate to the people in this bucket because we compliment each other, fix weaknesses, serve each other’s needs and spend time and resources to perfect the relationship.
Here’s my point: There are people we hold in the highest regard, people we respect tremendously, people who have walked alongside us during tough times, people who automatically come to our defense, people who provide endless and unwavering support and for whatever reason they have been abandoned. Maybe you’ve abandoned each other.
Our busy lives often distract us from what is most important and lately, in silence, I’ve reflected on lost or weakened relationship I wish I spent more time nurturing.
I’ve realized if time is not infinite than we have to more regularly dust off the alternate bike. We need to make sure the seat is comfortable, rotate the chains, replace the brake pads. You get it. The bike is just sitting there waiting to be taken for a ride. The people are waiting to be acknowledged. We love the bike but never use the bike. We love those people but never reach out to those people. I think we owe it to the people in this bucket to check-in, spend time and be curious about their lives. After all, if a bike is meant to get you to the right place the people who represent the alternate bike likely know the best route.
If you made it this far, I’m curious to know how you nurture and prioritize meaningful relationships in life. Comment below!
I repeat: life is a two-way street. However, life is too short not to take the initiative and be the first person to dust off the cobwebs of a longstanding relationship that is dormant, broken, fractured or malnourished. After all, don’t you want to be there if those people really need your kidney? I do.
I hardly talked to anyone the entire day. Can’t you tell? I’ve been consumed by bikes, buckets and kidneys. Haha!
I made it back to Amsterdam and walked into a burger joint for a quick dinner.
“Um, how big is that?” I heard the customer in front of me asking the cashier.
The employee was asking the American if she wanted a 200-gram or 270-gram burger. She looked puzzled. I, too, had no idea. I already started Googling the conversion before the woman ordered.
“270 grams is like a half-pound,” I told the woman after tapping her on the shoulder and showing the conversion on my iPhone. “I’ll do the 270-gram,” she said confidently. She was hungry. So was I. The woman ordered, pulled out a phone charger and paced around the restaurant looking for an outlet. Her phone was dead. So was mine. We chatted, charged and chowed down on delicious burgers! Truthfully, I think I needed some conversation after my day of reflection. Alyssa is studying clinical neuropsychology at Northwestern University and was visiting Amsterdam for an Alzheimer’s convention. Last summer, she backpacked through Europe for six weeks with her boyfriend so we bonded over our travel destinations, hostels and the must-see places. She loved Mykonos and told me to spend a couple extra days in Spain than I had planned – so I’ve mentally adjusted my itinerary that doesn’t exist. I’m truly letting this trip unfold week-by-week.
I woke up extra early the next day to beat the scores of tourists to the canals through central Amsterdam. I ordered a flat white from a corner coffee shop and it wasn’t long before I stopped in my tracks to look at a message written in purple spray-paint in front of a purple bicycle rested on a bridge: “LOVE IS THE CURE.” I subscribe to that philosophy. I think people overcomplicate the word “love.” What if love was the baseline? We love everyone – even strangers.
My friends laugh at me all the time because I say “Love You!” or “Love, Y’all!” to people I just meet or have known for a very short period of time. But it’s true — I love them. I love you, mean it. Sure, every relationship is a different kind of love but I think love as a baseline in everyday relationships and interactions is how I want to live life — always searching for a connection, showing interest, caring and empathizing. My love is unrestricted and unreserved no matter what bucket you fall into.
I’ve learned not everyone feels this way about the word “love” and I understand. People will say, “It’s just not possible to love everyone.” That’s true in some ways. We’re all just one person with a limited amount of time in our day and time on this earth. I just subscribe to the idea that if we show a little love to everyone we meet we can change moods, give hope and lift people up.
Often times maintaining our most important relationships requires very minimal effort and one simple reminder: “I love you”
Song Choice: All On Me/Devin Dawson
This song is for people in all your buckets — especially the alternates. It’s a promise to always be there and a reminder that showing up and listening is sometimes all that matters. Always remember to nurture relationships and remind people: “When you’re mad you can take it out on me” and “when it gets heavy put your weight on me.”
The Coffee Break 
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